Yet Another Break Up Text

I used to think it was like a super power I had to find these douchebags who don’t have enough respect to pick up the phone and have a proper break up, but I’m really starting to think I’m not special, that all men in their 30’s are just assholes. Seriously. After leaving me hanging for hours, I then get the Facebook message, I just don’t think things are going to work between us. Not a phone call, not a conversation, a Facebook message. Seriously? I thought I was dealing with an adult here?

So I replied, with that information would have been nice to have before Friday, and can you please drop my glasses in the mail. That’s it. no fanfare, no Facebook message tears. Because, while I am crying, I will NOT be disrespected like that and then show you that you had the power to hurt me. So a few hours after that…comes this:

text

Seriously? So while you were telling me not to stop, I was supposed to hear, what, exactly?? You just accused me of forcing myself on you, and of basically being a slut, all in one fell swoop. And you couldn’t talk to me about it, you needed to tell me it wasn’t going to work out before bringing it up in the first place? And all those times I asked you to do things that DIDN’T involve sex…. Like last weekend, when I asked you to come over and I was on the 10th day of the period from hell, I was hurting, and so not feeling sexy, and you decided at the last minute it was too late to come over but you stayed up on the phone with me for 3 more hours…..Or this coming weekend when we were supposed to go bowling with friends, and you definitely couldn’t stay, because my parents will be here (and that’s just weird) But you just blew that too….Or how about when I wanted to go to the movies, but you were conveniently busy until it was too late to do much of anything (except sex)?

All the times I worried, and asked you, if you were just in it for sex…was because sex was the only thing you really responded to. Cute sappy stuff like “The reason your fingers have space between them is so another’s can fill it” went unacknowledged, however a dirty meme got a lightning fast response. And if we’re sleeping in the same bed, then, hell yes, I want that connection, is that really wrong? So, please, tell me why I wasn’t good enough for you? Why I was so low on the respect scale that I warranted a break up message instead of, at the very least, a phone call? How is it that 4 months after we started talking, and two months into dating, that now suddenly we won’t “click”? What is it exactly that makes me so unlovable? Unworthy of respect and good etiquette? Why am I sitting here crying over some guy who couldn’t give me what I deserve? Do I just not deserve it? Are my standards too high? Seriously WHAT IS IT?

The 4 Worst Words

“We need to talk”

weneedtotalk

I swear they’re the four worst words in the human language. I would imagine they sound just as panic inducing in ANY language; English, Spanish, Portuguese, French, German, Russian, etc. So I spent a very nice night with RH on Friday. Because he was still feeling stuffy, I made homemade chicken soup, while he was at work, and we watched a movie, went to bed. (You don’t really want the details of THAT, but it was fun!) But there were little things; like he never checked his phone around me (I have to admit, that part was nice, and I wouldn’t have thought anything about it, except for when I got those 4 little words, technically 5 words, in this case)

And in the morning, he made me breakfast, and kissed me goodbye, before I left to pick up my little monsters. Then, I didn’t hear anything from him. Until I realized I left my glasses there, and I texted him. His reply: “oops”. My subsequent jokes about my forgetfulness, and saying that maybe I just left them to have an excuse for him to come over, was met with…….”Maybe I’ll drop them off tomorrow” EIGHT HOURS LATER. OK, maybe he was busy. No biggie, not going to worry about it, much.

I saw that reply this morning, and I responded with “That would be really nice”.

And a few hours later, I said I would make dinner and he could sleep over if he wanted….

The reply? “I don’t think I’m going to have time to stop by today”

Me: Ok, everything OK?

Him: What do you mean?

Me: I didn’t mean anything

Him: Everything’s fine

Me: (thumbs up)

Him: (thumbs up)

Me: Goofball

Him:As soon as I get time I need to talk to you, k?

And then the internal panic set in. I mean, aside from the dismissive tone of “when I get time”, I need to talk to you is the same as we need to talk and it’s almost never a good sign. What do you need to tell me? There’s the standard: I’m not happy, this isn’t going anywhere, I’m getting back with my ex, etc. There’s the doomsday: I have an STD, incurable disease, or some other life threatening something or other. And there’s the unlikely: You’re perfect and I want to make this official, what’s your ring size?

So which is it, you ask? I don’t know, because apparently there hasn’t been time to talk to me yet……

I Miss Mayberry

There is a story in my family. It’s a great story, but I have no idea if it’s true. My grandparents met in the midst of WWII, out dancing, at a nightclub in Salt Lake City. My grandfather was shipping out soon, and they had a one night stand. My grandmother got pregnant, and told him one month later, they got married, he shipped out, and eight months or so ¬†later, my uncle was born. The timeline works, but…. no one wants to think their grandparents had a one night stand. Anyways they were happy for almost 50 years until my grandmother passed away. I only ever once saw my grandparents argue. And it wasn’t really an argument. My grandfather swore at me, and grandma was having none of that.

LiveInMayberry

My entire view of relationships was totally Mayberry. My parents have been married almost 40 years, all of my aunts and uncles even longer. I only had 1 friend growing up that had divorced parents, her dad was never around, and her step dad was so awesome, it never occurred to me that being single was an option.

Everyone complains that divorce rates are up, and that no one is in it for the long haul anymore…and that’s true. People are lazy nowadays, and no one wants to work for something great. People expect this magical relationship to be handed to them on a silver platter. Find someone who bends over backwards to make you happy, while you just sit around and do nothing. Because you shouldn’t have to put in any effort. It should be easy. Well, no wonder relationships don’t work. No one is putting in any effort. He thinks putting in effort will make him look “thirsty”, and she thinks putting in effort will make her look “bitchy”. So, no one wins, and everybody is still lonely. Now what?

Oh I know! Let’s turn to online dating. I’m sure to meet someone on there, right? RIGHT! You’ll meet hundreds (literally hundreds) of potential matches, no matter what you’re searching for. Looking for a hook up? No problem, so are lots of people. Looking for a pen pal? We’ve got that too! Looking for someone to marry? Got some of those too! And if we don’t have exactly what you’re looking for, it’s ok, you just need to relax your search criteria (read: standards), and we can find someone for you. And no mater what, we’ll keep sending you emails, reminding you we’re here, just in case that date isn’t perfect. Or, in case you get bored, or whatever. You can always come back, and try again. And again, and again.

zombie-apocalypse

The real problem with online dating is the fact that there’s just SO MANY lonely people put there. You don’t have to make a real connection, or put any work or any respect into it because if it all falls apart, there are 100 MORE people, better, hotter, more eager to take that other person’s place. You’ve got a nice rhythm going but he’s not paying enough attention to you? Why would you talk to him about it? If you say something to him about it, he’ll just call you clingy and bitchy, don’t worry about it, here’s 10 more guys who’ll be happy to pay attention to you for the moment. You’ve got an amazing spark but she’s got kids and has a hard time getting time away? Eeek! Who wants that? Why tell her you’d like to spend time with just her, and arrange something? Taking the initiative is just too much work! Just ignore her, and pay attention to the 20 hotties over here with NO kids.

What happened to the “good ‘ol days”, when you’d meet someone at a party, or the store, or a coffee shop, feel a spark, go on a date, and then another, and another, until it blossomed into something special. Now we are all inundated with this obscene amount of prospective “dates”, while on our never ending quest to find something “easy”. It’s a major stroke to your ego to hear your phone ping, and find a message on there from some cutie, who says he’d like to meet you. And then you’re so busy obsessing over the cutie who’d “like” to meet you, that you’re missing out on the cutie who actually took the time to meet you.

In this age of instant gratification; where every time you make a post on FaceBook or Instagram, you wait for that little notification saying someone liked it, or commented, or anything to justify your social media presence. And people are starting to look at relationships that way too. It should be instant (but not too instant). And easy. Just copy and paste from somewhere else, and when you like it, great we can keep going til you realize I’m not going to let you look below the surface. Or til I start “catching feelings” (WTH does that mean anyways?) Then we will go on our merry way, pretending none of this really happened, because it wasn’t a “real” relationship anyways.

*NOTE: This was an unpublished draft I had saved, and I’m publishing it now because I’m too tired to write anything new

My Inner Vixen is a B****

It would appear, sorta, that RH and I are good, I think. Neither of us has messaged much, and neither of us has called…which would be strange; but his new night schedule has us working totally opposite hours, and I don’t leave work til after he starts. But we HAVE messaged, and, as of right now are still on for date night tomorrow. As of right now. So I went to the grocery store, and bought the stuff I need to make dinner tomorrow night. Because, for once, I will be kid free, for a WHOLE NIGHT! Whatever will we do? ūüėČ (Psst, don’t expect any posts tomorrow night, because, hopefully, I will be GETTIN BUSY!)

I love my kids, more than anything. And every day I am grateful that I made the choice to move us way out here, 2000 miles from almost everyone we know, so that we can have a better life. I really am. But there are the days, the days when my now 12 year old back talks one too many times, or when I’ve not been feeling well for two weeks, and my almost 7 year old decides she’d rather play video games than clean her room (I’m not sure where she found that GameBoy, or how the damn thing even still works, but it almost went into the garbage disposal). On those days my inner vixen wants to wrap them up with duct tape and go dancing.

And it makes my inner vixen nervous, this whole meh communication thing. As a single mom, nights off are few and far between, and so my time on those days is precious. Because odds are I’ve had to bribe a kid, or call in a favor, just to have a few kid free hours with this guy (and even a few to myself, yay! night schedule). And dammit I want it to be worth it. I want to feel wanted, I want him to push me up against the wall and do dirty things to me, because, dammit I’ve earned it. I have earned the right to be ravaged, to feel sexy, to feel like a woman, to scream as loud as I need to, to fall asleep in someones arms and wake up there, on my own schedule (sorta). Does that sound selfish? Probably. But I don’t care.

So when he says “my head is stuffy”, I totally braced for the “I’m cancelling tomorrow”, but it didn’t come. Which makes me think definitely. Which is good, except he’s leaving work early tonight. Which is where the maybe part comes in. But he still hasn’t said it, and that gives me hope, sorta. I’m pretty sure it makes me a bad person to be a little bit upset he doesn’t feel well, but we’ve been planning this night for a week and a half, and while my outer human being says “I hope you feel better soon”,my teeny, tiny, inner vixen is screaming bloody murder, and having a temper tantrum at the thought of having to cancel this date.

I Want You To Want Me

I want you to want me-saying-quotes

I love that song. It gets stuck in my head every time I hear it. And today, it got stuck in my head, on repeat, like an epiphany of sorts.

So, RH, this guy I’ve been dating. He’s great, really, he is. But he’s got issues (like every other single 30 something on the planet) His ex gf, of 4 years, up and kicked him out, no explanation, nothing. Almost a year ago. And he’s afraid to get hurt again, but he’s not just looking for sex. Well, ok. Reasonable. Mostly. Right?

And yet, today, we were joking about this picture:

funny-cat-lolcat-wet-pussy

And then he pops off with don’t Google that! So, of course, I did. And I sent him the first picture in the Google search. And said, it wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be.To which he wanted to know how I got that angle? When I said, no, that’s not a picture of me, but, at the same time, that angle is not THAT hard to get….(which was followed by some more teasing conversation) then he said, (and I quote) ¬†“Now let’s see that crazy angle you can get on that camera phone, you can do it”

And I did it. I really did it. It scared me. It was like opening up a whole host of major vulnerabilities. I mean, what if there’s visible stretch marks? or a spot I missed shaving, or God forbid, a ingrown hair??? What if I just did this major thing, and I totally get rejected. Which, you might think is a little far fetched, because we’ve been dating for a little while,and he’s seen me naked, but still….

And then, his response to said photograph was this:

mugsy clap

Followed by “well, you got the angle right” and “who did you get to take the picture for you? lol” To which, I pointed out, “I took a really personal picture for you, and after the slow clap of death, your response was “well, you got the angle right”” He said he was just following the teasing from before, and I said, first you compliment, THEN you tease…

To which I got ” O forget it. I didn’t ask for the pic. I just commented on the pic you sent though google. night.” ¬†And then, I said he was right, and apologized for overreacting. And then I reread the conversation. And then I thought about it, a lot. And while, he DID ask for said photo, I DID overreact. But, the question is, why?

And then I figured it out. I want what everyone wants. I want to be wanted. I want to feel like this person I’m opening myself up to actually wants me. And I’m not getting that. Because every time I get to feeling good about the whole thing, he reminds me about how much this ex gf hurt him. And how he’s afraid to get hurt, and how he doesn’t want to open himself up to that again.But next day rolls around, and he’s back to normal. *NEWSFLASH* We all have scars. And somewhere, there is always someone who has it worse. I’ve got scars. Lots of em. Worse than some, better than others. But they don’t define everything about me. Are those scars the reason I overreacted? Probably. But is that an excuse? No. Which is why I apologized. ¬†But I don’t know how to maneuver my way around this. I don’t know how to be in a relationship, and yet not be totally in it. Is there a manual I can read somewhere?

And where is the understanding for MY issues? (Like I said, all single 30 somethings have ’em, I’m no exception) I’m ok (not great) with slowly feeling things out, and letting him work through his issues on his own time. But at the same time, I would like SOMETHING to tell me I’m on the right track, that I’m not just being toyed with. A random compliment, the occasional quickie, an “oh baby”, ANY THING that tells me I’m not wasting my time. Because I understand the desire to not want to be hurt again. I have been through my share of douche ¬†¬†bags, and,¬†realistically, I don’t think any one ever sets out intending to get hurt. Because, who’d want that? But, I’d rather be hurt a hundred times and find something worth having, then to let it pass by because I was too afraid of it.

The scariest thing in the world (to me) is to put yourself out there for someone, with no clue how they’re feeling. Well, maybe scariest after spiders…..

I’m An Addict

Hello My Name is Inigo Montoya (you killed my father, prepare to die), and I’m an addict. I’m totally addicted to the soft fuzzies you get from the oxytocin released in your brain after good sex (or even mediocre sex, for that matter). And I find myself chasing the high you get when you feel wanted, desired, needed, or dare I even say it, loved.Unfortunately (or, fortunately) I can’t quite seem to be able to reach that high unless I’m feeling secure in a relationship. Which kinda sucks, cause in between I’m seriously jonesing.

Which leads to some bad choices on my part. This is a serious problem. I’ve dated guys who complain about my sex drive when I’m in a relationship (seriously, ¬†he said it was too high-who says that?!?) But I can’t help it. There’s something stress relieving and happy inducing about it, better than any prescription anti depressant. Is it really terrible to have sex 4 times a day? Apparently. Maybe I should switch to Zoloft….

Because there are days, where I really want my 2.2 kids, and my white picket fence, and a dog and a life partner. I’m not trying to discount my blessings, I have 2 beautiful children, complete with picket fence (well, chain link, but who cares?), and we’re getting a dog later this year….what more could I want?

zoloft1

My very own, built in, Zoloft dispenser, that’s what! Seriously, regular sex makes me a better employee, better person, better mother, better everything. Zoloft in the form of a tall, tattooed, slightly unshaven man…….

Read The Fine Print

What’s the purpose of dating? I mean, way down deep at the core, what’s the point? To find someone, right? Because people are meant to be together. I saw something similar on another blog¬†http://iquitdating.com/2014/10/18/swiping-soulmates-tinder-tumble-six-date-stumble-part-iv/

And as I was reading, a lot of the stuff she said resonated with me. And then I realized it applied to all of my single girlfriends in their 30’s too. We are not dating to “sow our wild oats”, no matter what the world says we should do. We are not “embracing” our femininity by bed hopping, we’ve reached the age and stage where we are looking for stability. ¬†Not for a ring, or any major declaration of commitment even, just someone to talk to, hold hands with, maybe make out sessions. And so we join these dating websites, hoping that we can meet someone who’s looking for the same thing.

But most dating sites are geared towards men. You put up a picture and hope some guy likes it enough to ask you out. You use different pictures, from parties with your margarita, from crazy nights out with your friends, because everyone wants to seem fun. But the reality is at least 29 days of the month, I’m at home, with my kids, cooking dinner, helping with homework, reading a book, taking a bubble bath, or watching netflix. But who wants to see pictures of that?

Except that’s the real me. My head is buried in a book (if I can find the time), or I’m playing with my munchkins, or I’m zoning out on TV. I’m fun (so my friends tell me), but I’m not a partier. So why do we feel the need to put up pictures that aren’t really the real us? What would happen if every woman on a dating site put up a “real” picture of themselves? We’d all get rejected. Because that’s not what men are looking for.

The want the hottest chick they can find. They aren’t actually reading your profile. They are just looking at your picture. I’ve had questions about how big my boobs are, to if I want to meet for drinks, and if I’m really 6’0″. In my profile it says that I’m 6’0″ THREE times. It also says I want a serious relationship, and I don’t drink. Seriously. read the fine print.

But maybe I should have pictures of me vegging on the couch, or playing with my kids, or reading a book. Then they wouldn’t have to read the fine print, and they’d know exactly who they were talking to to begin with…..